open pores/open eyes/closed mind

i keep askin myself if i know enough
put a nail on something fleeting
put a cut on me and i'll cut you too
make me believe i aint bleeding
and not in a literal sense
this is strictly metaphor
my mind thinks in a past tense
about something i ain't got anymore
it's funny how things change
and others stay the same
and despite the honesty of my thoughts
i still feel ashamed
like trying to grapple with the gods
or catch the wind with a fishin net
i never felt so crushed by my thoughts
and the laughing face of my fears
is still fuckin laughing
and the only truth to retain is confusion
the sickle penetrating my fickle little mind
the only thing i grasp is delusion
and im choking it to death most of the time
and you can't fuckin tell me
this is what it is to be alive
these emotions bring down too much
to make them the center of my life
workin up the nerve to put a bullet in it
and let it fuckin die
but like i said this is just a metaphor
with the same impact as a passerby
and although i smile and say "hi"
i forget the moment in a minute
kinda like the spark of emotion
that is nothing more than a spark
with no flammables to ignite
in a universe of emptiness
im barely alive

a little display of whatever humanity i have left

as a human being i have an unrelenting desire to share a bond
to have some kind of relationship with another person
and no matter how many of these relationships i have
or how many truly significant ones i have
it is never enough
i want the whole world to share themselves with me
and i want to share myself with them
and in the past i have had these kind of relationships
some incredibly powerful
so why can't i just appreciate that
people have had strong impacts on me
and surely i've had the same on others
but its so hard to just accept that the bond just doesn't hold like it once did
or maybe it doesn't even exist anymore
no matter how hard i try to accept this
it's always in the back of my mind
and when i sleep and i can't restrain my thoughts
these people appear
and for awhile i am overwhelmed with happiness
then i wake up and realize it wasn't real
and it's the most crippling feeling
and may be the only strong emotion i ever feel anymore
and the horrible part is
that it happens every fucking night
but i guess it compensates for the lack of emotional stimulus in my life now
my strongest bond i have is with my dog
and seeing it in text is kinda depressing
but really i don't think any human relationship
has ever compared to my dog
as odd as that is
but i guess i have asked for this
i think i've lost the ability to love a person
in a romantic way at least
i've become so okay with myself
that i kinda shut the idea of another out
and thats okay
kinda

a letter to civilized society

my actions do not reflect my desires
my vanity echoes through my mind
until it is expressed
i am the image of my soul,fully dressed
a vessel for thoughts that haven't happened yet
i speak in a language that does not make sense
until it is filtered and dispensed
as something that should not be
the echoes of my voice will never die
and they will always be heard
as long as there's someone to listen
but does anyone really listen
i am an automobile
killing everything i dont need
listen to the wind change
as the earth bleeds
the leaves turn over when i walk by
you don't look pretty until the sun dies
is this you or just the impression i get from you
what is that my heart is stuck to
and why is it so important
this is vanity
i realize this as my words echo my insanity
the windows of my soul
are fogged by you
is there any greater whore